It is probably best to begin by saying that I am a "faller." I fall for people. I can make a friend quickly and cherish that friendship in relatively short order. Likewise, I tend to fall for guys pretty quickly. I did this through much of my young adulthood. I thought and still think I have reasonably good instincts Well, maybe not with one guy I briefly dated. I just woke up one day (and no, not with him) and literally didn't like him anymore. Everything he did annoyed me intensely. To this day I can't understand that lapse in judgment. I cringe at the memory.
But generally the gut serves me well. My ex was a gut feeling and we did stay together for 10 years. I will never consider that a waste of time (except maybe the last three years where I was largely miserable). But the kids, man. I would do it 10 times over for my kids.
My second loooong relationship was a gut too as one generally does not hold out much hope for the first relationship after a divorce. Those transitional relationships are almost by definition disasterous in nature. But I had a gut feeling about that guy and we stuck it out for a long time. I don't regret any of it, with the possible exception that I have known for some time it would not be more than an intermittent long distance relationship and, even knowing that, I gave over what were likely some of my best years to it. Sometimes that is hard to take.
I still love him. More than anyone I have ever known.
I also would still be with him if he we had not been separated by thousands of miles.
But I don't want to be alone forever, so I am hoping that even knowing I will always love him, it does not close the door to caring for someone else. I had always operated on the assumption that if I loved him, I could not love someone else and if I loved someone else, I would have to first fall out of love with him (which simply won't happen).
I know from having two children that one's capacity for love is not a zero sum equation. I remember being afraid after having my daughter and loving her so completely and intensely, that I would not ever love my son that much. Nothing could be further from the truth. My capacity to love just expanded and is infinite when it comes to my children.
So I am wondering if such could be the same in relationships. Could I love more than one person? Is the real question I face here one of choosing who, if anyone, to build a relationship and life with.
Sunday morning... Mother's Day. Maybe for Mother's Day I will send my Mother the URL for this blog. Not. An innocuous card will have to do. She hasn't talked to me in two months. I for one, will spend Mother's day on a dairy farm helping a friend milk cows while HER mother is vacationing at Disneyland. Milking cows - has a maternal quality, don't you think?
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1 comment:
Wow, I'm flattered LOL
He sounds wonderful and I sooo understand what you mean by that gut feeling. I've been in two relationships. First one was abusive and controlling, not fun at all but I hung in there for 12 years because of my children. I've learned alot since then and live with the guilt of my decision every day (to stay for their sake).
The second one I knew would not be long term when I got into it, but it was fun. He was much younger th an I, but in the end that too destroyed the relationship because of the competition with the kids. My kids come first ALWAYS, and he was warned. I love him still, but a relationship just did not work. We're long distance friends and for now that works. There may come a day when it won't and he'll just be gone and I'll be fine with that.
Thank you for sharing something very personal with the world and Happy Mothers Day!
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