**Supreme Commander syndrome**

I am going through some of the self-reflection that apparently comes with thinking about dating again. Now if you have read some of the recent posts you will get the sense that I am going through some significant changes in my life already. My son is leaving to live with his dad, I am applying to law school, I am in legal hell with my ex, and my dog is aging quickly (ok you didn’t know about that). Any rationale, sane person might suggest I not add another stress to my life. Yet, this is how I respond to stress all the time: by diving into something completely unknown. I think it actually keeps me from over thinking the other stuff.

Anyway, with this self-reflection I began to think about the habits and idiosyncrasies I have developed living without a mate for a long time. I haven’t lived alone – there are the two kids I have raised by myself since they were 7 & 9. But I have always been the “supreme commander.” I use that term a little tongue in cheek because, as my kids well know, they are peculiarly adept at manipulating me without my knowledge. It is a perfect symbiotic relationship: They mess with me and I don’t realize it and go on reveling in my belief that I am in absolute control.

Still the control issue becomes more relevant when I think about the possibility of sharing my life with someone else. I don’t think the supreme commander gig will fly with an adult companion. This sense of control, even if a facade at best, though has led to certain ways of living that may be hard to change. Furthermore, the idea of accommodating someone else’s habits and idiosyncrasies at this point in my life is not that appealing. Besides there was only one person with whom I felt completely comfortable and we never figured out a way to be together. For some reasons, his idiosyncracies never bothered me, well maybe, except the one about not being with me:(

Case in point. I don’t really care how friends keep their house, but no matter how close a friend it is, I pick up my house before they come over. Intellectually, I totally buy into the idea that a good friend won’t care. I don’t care when I go elsewhere. Doesn't make a difference when it comes to my house.

I am having my dearest friends over for dinner tonight and I will vacuum, dust, and clean all the bathrooms. Yes, all the bathrooms. I think I got this from my mother. She has fucking ruined me. I am undate-able.