One of the more interesting dynamics of my divorce (over 10 years ago), is that my ex has convinced himself that I, and no one else (especially him), am responsible for nuturing, facilitiating, protecting, and mantaining his relationship with his kids. This is the man that did not want custody of the kids because it might require that he wait another month to remarry.
My favorite communication of all time occured right when my daughter went to college. Keep in mind that she was 18, and her father had not communicated with her in a long time (including not even a card on her 18th birthday).
Out of the blue, he asked in an email to me how to reach her adding some commentary that I have not kept him informed of her whereabouts. (He was so on top of her life that he didn't even know where she was attending college and never bothered to email her during the previous year about her college plans.) I knew she was quite upset with him so I responded that I would forward the email to her and she could contact him.
This led to the following message from ex:
Regarding (daughter's name here), I did not ask you to forward an email to her. You have a legal obligation to inform me of her whereabouts and how to
get ahold of her. It is this type of lack of information on your part
that creates a lack of trust in not just our parenting relationship
but the relationship between the children and I (sic).
I just loved being able to respond this way now that the kids are old enough:
(ex's name here), It seems when you don't get what you want to blame me. This time it is for withholding information or undermining *trust* between you and me or you and the kids.
My response to you was based on one simple fact. (daughter's name here) is 18. It is no longer required (as you seem to suggest), nor is it appropriate for me to supply you with personal information about her or anything else of that sort, without explicit permission from her. I don't want to be involved in what ever is going on between the two of you....
Reminder to self: Although anecdotal observations seem to suggest that we heteros are the ones that have screwed up the institution of marriage, ask gay and lesbian friends why they would EVER want to be part of it?
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