**One thing I miss about a partner**

Today was a hard day. About 10 minutes before I taught my last class for the week the court's decision showed up in my email box.

As expected it was a mixed bag of results. They imputed income to my ex, but probably only half of what he could have been making if he, like me, had made supporting his kids a priority and held a steady job. Most public school teachers make more than academics anyway.

But the tragedy in the court's analysis was that the conservative imputation of income made our incomes more disparate and thus opened up the settlement agreement for modification. This was what I feared would happen, because common law and statutory law were not in my favor (Thank you Chalot and the fucking "father's rights-to-screw-their kids' movement). The court, thankfully held up the part of the agreement requiring we pay for up to five years of undergraduate education. And the court kept an expansive view of what was a "college expense." But the court changed the ratio from the 50:50 we had agreed on (even though our incomes were never even-when we signed it the ex made more than me), to 63:37. So I now am responsible for two thirds of medical, dental and education costs retroactive back to Nov. 2004 (when my daughter turned 19 and the first legal filing occured).

So in effect, because I worked steadily and tried to increase my income, and he fucked around and refused to work consistently, I get to pay more of college now. If I had, instead, squandered my savings on a year's vacation or took my kids' college fund and paid off MY mortgage, or never took an academic position and stayed in Colorado and maybe married the man that my niece believes was "just not that into me," my ex could be paying the majority of the educational costs.

I get no legals fees and was actually assess $900.00 of legal fees for the ex, because his attorney didn't get our discovery on time (because my attorney's office didn't send it until right before trial even though I sent it 4 months earlier). Yes I will be asking my attorney to cover that part of the ruling.

For all I know the debacle could continue. His attorney keeps hinting at appealing. There was nothing in the judges ruling addresses how to compel the ex to pay. There are many loose ends.

Welcome to the American Court of "Equity."

So to the point of all this. This is when I miss having a partner who would give me a hug, let me cry a bit, and tell me everything will be alright. I could use that. There has never really been anyone who I could talk to who will just listen. Everyone is too busy to just listen. Never had it in my marriage. Never had it in the 12 years since. I have spent my whole life having to be strong. By myself. And I am exhausted.