**Jogged a memory**

I was reading another blog - from someone I have never met, but that I somehow consider a friend and to whom I am concerned about these days. She mentioned the imminent arrival of ex husband #1 and #2. I don't know the details of these relationships or the complications that arise with their visit, but it reminded me of the most bizarre Christmas I have ever spent.

I remember it began at Thanksgiving. I was sitting around a big table with the kids, a lovely international grad student, and my dear friend/colleague and her E.R. physician husband. I can't remember if my ex called (not really likely as it didn't happen often) or if my son just came up with the idea on his own, but during dinner, my son asked if his dad could AND SPEND CHRISTMAS WITH US. In spite of a near irrepressible urge to simultaneously laugh at the absurdity of the prospect and burst into flames at the mere thought of him crossing the threshold of my front door, I had to swallow all the primal impulses and say, "why of course #1," (my longstanding name for my son in honor of Star Trek: Next Generation). After my response, I immediately turned to the doctor sitting to my right and said, " you can start filling out the Valium prescription NOW, thank you very much."

Now to add to the difficulty of the holiday arrangment, my buffer and general support system when dealing with my ex, namely my long time on again, off again partner... the "he's-just-not-into-you-guy" as described by my niece, was, at this time, off again and had been for the better part of a year.

And so, the holiday came. My ex showed up at church midnight mass (sans wife and dog) and then planned to come to the house at 7 AM Christmas Day with his wife (still sans dog, thankfully). I barely slept. But in the wee hours I remember looking at the clock and thinking I could get one more hour of fitful sleep before sucking down coffee in anticipation of the morning from hell.

I layed in bed and -no kidding about this - I saw, in the darkness, the shadow of an adult person in my doorway. My immediate horrific thought - a thought that shot through me with fear that exceeded the possibility that the shadow belonged to a mass murderer - was that my ex husband was standing in my doorway.

Son of a gun, if it wasn't the missing on again, off again partner, who drove all the way from Texas, non stop, knocked on my son's window to get let in and wandered into my room, just to see if...

I went through the day like a deer in headlights. The shocking image of now on again partner in my living room combined with the nightmarish image of my ex sprawled across my couch. No hallucinogen in the world can produce a trip as weird as this. And it is more evidence that if something like this can happen on the celebration day of the birth of the messiah... there cannot be a god.