You all are right. I am not going to mention the blog. In fact, I would love it if those of you who have links to my blog label it by its title and not by my name.
All this has got me thinking about spending more time with my journal. I also, upon thinking about the sage words of Becca and Sarah, feel pretty sure that I could deal with anyone reading what is here so far, I just imagine there might be some hurt feelings. Not on purpose though! Just the kind of hurt that happens with brutal honesty.
Today I had the "pleasure" of retaining counsel because my ex's attorney seems bent on having a court hearing (no interest in settlement as of yet). As of now I have spent on legal fees, about half of what I should be paying as my half of my son's first year college costs. My husband is bucking to be the first person I might honestly be able to say I hate. Never thought I was capable.
Tuesday, May 31, 2005
Sunday, May 29, 2005
**What a little wine will do**
I just finished a fascinating conversation with my son. I learned quite a bit about his time with his father. One comment he made along with one comment my daughter made this past summer has got me thinking that once I no longer have to have a relationship with my ex - dealing with money, parenting and all the hostility that continues to accompany said conversations, even after 10 years - I want to write his current wife and thank her for two things. First I want to thank her for that moment at the coast last summer, in the midst of the family reunion, after the kid's father seemed uncomfortable or unwilling to interact with the kids, she told him that he NEEDED to spend some time with the kids. The kids were going for a walk on the beach and she told him to join them. The second thing she did was while my son was in Italy visiting them. She apparently took a real interest in my son, spent time with him and acted as a tempering effect on my ex's impulsiveness, narcissism and tendency towards instant gratification. Even though I think she fanned the flames of antagonism between my ex and me (maybe out of a sense of self protection), I still appreciate the attention she has paid to the kids.
But the converstaion also brought up discussions of A. and the role he played in the transitions to singlehood. It reminded me of how important a role model he was, even though it was not consistently in our lives. I see his influence in my son. It is good. I miss him still.
But the converstaion also brought up discussions of A. and the role he played in the transitions to singlehood. It reminded me of how important a role model he was, even though it was not consistently in our lives. I see his influence in my son. It is good. I miss him still.
Saturday, May 28, 2005
**You can take the girl out of the suburbs, but...**
I am finishing up the first day of the Memorial Day weekend munching a burger. Oh, you might say, bbq, party in the yard, typical holiday celebration, way to go, girl. Alas, no. Burger is not a burger but a Boca burger and not a grill in the back yard, but instead a George Foreman grill on the counter. No beer, just a Diet Cherry Coke. No party, just me and the canine.
And I don't mind a bit.
I spent the day in the yard, cut the grass, trimmed, tested the sprinkler system (there seem to be some renegade heads that are spewing water in inappropriate ways and directions), brushed the dog, and applied a classically suburban mixture of Scotts weed and feed to the yard, thus completing my own suburban contribution to the poisoning of the water table.
I never thought I would live in the burbs again. I left after high school and longed for a rural life. At least I have managed, with each move, to end up in a smaller community. But I ended up in the "Pleasant Valley Sunday" part of a small town, in an essentially plastic home, for two key reasons. Anything outside of town is WAY too expensive for my measly salary. The other reason is that, when it comes down to it, I am not a "handy" person. So knowing that I would be out in the boonies by myself once my son left for college, ended up not appealing to me as much. For example, while I have, for the record slept in barns with a range of farm mammals, I am not really comfortable dealing with the more wild selection of mountain mammals, such as... bears. I am not sure I could fix a well pump by myself. The notion of a septic system backing up is a little intimidating. Those little rural challenges that got me reconsiderin'.
Now put me in the burbs and I can do anything. I can cut the lawn with the best of them. I know small gardening, weeding techniques, and working flower beds.
Suburban queen... Who says you can't go home again....
And I don't mind a bit.
I spent the day in the yard, cut the grass, trimmed, tested the sprinkler system (there seem to be some renegade heads that are spewing water in inappropriate ways and directions), brushed the dog, and applied a classically suburban mixture of Scotts weed and feed to the yard, thus completing my own suburban contribution to the poisoning of the water table.
I never thought I would live in the burbs again. I left after high school and longed for a rural life. At least I have managed, with each move, to end up in a smaller community. But I ended up in the "Pleasant Valley Sunday" part of a small town, in an essentially plastic home, for two key reasons. Anything outside of town is WAY too expensive for my measly salary. The other reason is that, when it comes down to it, I am not a "handy" person. So knowing that I would be out in the boonies by myself once my son left for college, ended up not appealing to me as much. For example, while I have, for the record slept in barns with a range of farm mammals, I am not really comfortable dealing with the more wild selection of mountain mammals, such as... bears. I am not sure I could fix a well pump by myself. The notion of a septic system backing up is a little intimidating. Those little rural challenges that got me reconsiderin'.
Now put me in the burbs and I can do anything. I can cut the lawn with the best of them. I know small gardening, weeding techniques, and working flower beds.
Suburban queen... Who says you can't go home again....
Thursday, May 26, 2005
**A PhD means you get to sit on the OTHER side of the desk on days like this**
While my students toil and sweat over their final exam, I sit here and... blog.
Love wireless classroom connections and long lasting laptop batteries. I also love being on this side of the desk because I hate taking exams. (So why the hell am I planning to start law school in a year when the ENTIRE grade is based on ONE EXAM!)
I have a crapload of grading to do before noon tommorrow when senior grades are due. I have blown off much of my work over the past two weeks spending time with M., mostly because we both knew that live will change dramatically with summer kicking in. For us it will mean less flexible time together as he has his kids during the week and is free on weekends. My kids will be around on weekends and away during the week. Oh well.
The weather here is hot, hot, hot! I hate hot weather. I had to spend 30 minutes watering plant in mine and my neighbors yard.
I just rejoined my local health club. It was long overdue as evidenced by the difficulty of my first workout. Everything I did trainingwise in Michigan is lost. Writing my book really ruined my conditioning. Ironically, I will likely spend all my royalty money on health club dues to recover from the physical toll the book took on my body. Certain karmic irony there.
Love wireless classroom connections and long lasting laptop batteries. I also love being on this side of the desk because I hate taking exams. (So why the hell am I planning to start law school in a year when the ENTIRE grade is based on ONE EXAM!)
I have a crapload of grading to do before noon tommorrow when senior grades are due. I have blown off much of my work over the past two weeks spending time with M., mostly because we both knew that live will change dramatically with summer kicking in. For us it will mean less flexible time together as he has his kids during the week and is free on weekends. My kids will be around on weekends and away during the week. Oh well.
The weather here is hot, hot, hot! I hate hot weather. I had to spend 30 minutes watering plant in mine and my neighbors yard.
I just rejoined my local health club. It was long overdue as evidenced by the difficulty of my first workout. Everything I did trainingwise in Michigan is lost. Writing my book really ruined my conditioning. Ironically, I will likely spend all my royalty money on health club dues to recover from the physical toll the book took on my body. Certain karmic irony there.
Monday, May 16, 2005
**Once again, the existence of God remains an act of faith**
For me, it will be an act of faith in the judicial system. Of course that very system completely screwed me over about 7 years ago when some maniacal judge ruled that my ex's agreement to share "agreed upon activities" for the kids, was nullified when my ex let me know he did not agree to those activities anymore. The judges suspicions were not piqued by the fact that my ex had argued that his income as a teacher was only 15K a year. When I looked at the paycheck stub and realized that it was a biweekly paycheck, and then said something to the court, and the ex responded that he didn't realize that he made more money, the judge basically saw it as an oversight.
WHAT PERSON DOES NOT KNOW THEIR FUCKING ANNUAL SALARY?
And the 4K in legal bills that I occurred leading to that insightful series of legal observations and decisions took me two years to pay off. Fortunately, that judicial idiot has retired from the court.
But it can make a sane and otherwise rational person a tad skiddish to re-enter a Colorado court room. So in spite of thiscourt decision which improves my position significantly, I am wondering whether I should try to settle for a percentage of the college contribution as a lump sum.
Bear with me cause I need advice.
The court ruled that settlement agreements are not enforceable as contracts (bad for me). They also overruled the lower court and said that in order to modify a settlement agreement, a substantial and continuous material change in circumstances must have occurred.
This could be bad or good for me, depending on the judge. Let's not forget that the ex has not held a single job for more than two consecutive years. Some have lasted only a month. This is not because he is fired, but because he quits. For the last 2-3 years his income has been below what he would have made if he actually held a job continuously for ten years as a teacher (where he, in fact would be making more than me). He most certainly will argue change in circumstances. I would argue voluntary underemployment and I should not be penalized by lifestyle choices and that he has had 10 years to save for college.
On the other hand, I could offer a lump sum settlement and relieve him of future college costs. But then I would take on the risk associated with college costs rising or aid dropping. Good idea? What percentage of the actual anticipated costs?
Advice is welcome.
WHAT PERSON DOES NOT KNOW THEIR FUCKING ANNUAL SALARY?
And the 4K in legal bills that I occurred leading to that insightful series of legal observations and decisions took me two years to pay off. Fortunately, that judicial idiot has retired from the court.
But it can make a sane and otherwise rational person a tad skiddish to re-enter a Colorado court room. So in spite of thiscourt decision which improves my position significantly, I am wondering whether I should try to settle for a percentage of the college contribution as a lump sum.
Bear with me cause I need advice.
The court ruled that settlement agreements are not enforceable as contracts (bad for me). They also overruled the lower court and said that in order to modify a settlement agreement, a substantial and continuous material change in circumstances must have occurred.
This could be bad or good for me, depending on the judge. Let's not forget that the ex has not held a single job for more than two consecutive years. Some have lasted only a month. This is not because he is fired, but because he quits. For the last 2-3 years his income has been below what he would have made if he actually held a job continuously for ten years as a teacher (where he, in fact would be making more than me). He most certainly will argue change in circumstances. I would argue voluntary underemployment and I should not be penalized by lifestyle choices and that he has had 10 years to save for college.
On the other hand, I could offer a lump sum settlement and relieve him of future college costs. But then I would take on the risk associated with college costs rising or aid dropping. Good idea? What percentage of the actual anticipated costs?
Advice is welcome.
Friday, May 13, 2005
*Monday we will learn if there is a God**
One and off in this blog I have, to put it frankly, griped about my excuse-for-an-ex-husband and his narcissistic effort to squirm out of supporting the kids in college as he promised in the settlement agreement and under oath before a judge.
Well, mediation hasn't worked and his attorney, being of the litigious variety, is pushing for a court hearing. She is asking to modify the settlement agreement in such a way that it largely releases him from any obligation once child support ends halfway through my son's freshman year (And I won't even get into the abysmal proposal for child support that is offered).
The ex's attorney is taking this stand because of an outrageous Colorado Appellate Court decision that determined, completely contrary to plain statutory language, that a promise of this type in a settlement agreement could be reduced to what otherwise would be paid in child support.
Furthermore, requests to reduce contribution to college expenses would not require showing a change of financial circumstances. That appellate court decision pretty much left me with nothing.
The judge assigned to this case insists that we do a phone conference with her first. That is coming up in a little over two weeks.
In the meantime, I have talked to an attorney and was informed that the ex's attorney neglected to mention the appellate decision was on appeal before the Colorado Supreme Court. Oral arguments were heard in late Janauary and the decision was due anytime. Well.... the Court announced the slip opinion will be out on Monday. I know what I will be doing that morning.
Stay tuned and learn if there is a God.
Well, mediation hasn't worked and his attorney, being of the litigious variety, is pushing for a court hearing. She is asking to modify the settlement agreement in such a way that it largely releases him from any obligation once child support ends halfway through my son's freshman year (And I won't even get into the abysmal proposal for child support that is offered).
The ex's attorney is taking this stand because of an outrageous Colorado Appellate Court decision that determined, completely contrary to plain statutory language, that a promise of this type in a settlement agreement could be reduced to what otherwise would be paid in child support.
Furthermore, requests to reduce contribution to college expenses would not require showing a change of financial circumstances. That appellate court decision pretty much left me with nothing.
The judge assigned to this case insists that we do a phone conference with her first. That is coming up in a little over two weeks.
In the meantime, I have talked to an attorney and was informed that the ex's attorney neglected to mention the appellate decision was on appeal before the Colorado Supreme Court. Oral arguments were heard in late Janauary and the decision was due anytime. Well.... the Court announced the slip opinion will be out on Monday. I know what I will be doing that morning.
Stay tuned and learn if there is a God.
Thursday, May 12, 2005
**One of many reasons you will learn on this blog why educators should unionize**
One would think that at a small private liberal arts college, where the college president told me, in response to my job interview description of my Free Expression course where I make students actually exercise their First Amendment rights about something about with which they are passionate, "why this is a very civil campus," that such would apply to students with a propensity for delusions of entitlement.
One more week of classes and a student who started out as a triple major, is now just trying to finish one major, having burned the bridges in the other departments. In my department, for example, said student wanted to finish the last 4 of the nine courses in the major as independent studies, including the senior seminar and the advanced writing class. Keep in mind that faculty are not compensated for teaching independent studies. I said no. The student dropped my major, but then zoned in on the one department where there was a chance to complete a major and graduate on time. The modus operandi? Do a thesis instead of the required classes that were not available this semester. Thus the battle began. Inspite of this student's ongoing resistance to heading the advice of the thesis committee regarding the scope and depth of the thesis, these colleagues stuck with the student. Now apparently there are questions regarding the academic integrity of the thesis and the parent has shown up, and things are getting ugly... fast. This is one of those moments where cards are on the table - who backs faculty? Will the powers that be... be there? Where is the AAUP when needed?
One more week of classes and a student who started out as a triple major, is now just trying to finish one major, having burned the bridges in the other departments. In my department, for example, said student wanted to finish the last 4 of the nine courses in the major as independent studies, including the senior seminar and the advanced writing class. Keep in mind that faculty are not compensated for teaching independent studies. I said no. The student dropped my major, but then zoned in on the one department where there was a chance to complete a major and graduate on time. The modus operandi? Do a thesis instead of the required classes that were not available this semester. Thus the battle began. Inspite of this student's ongoing resistance to heading the advice of the thesis committee regarding the scope and depth of the thesis, these colleagues stuck with the student. Now apparently there are questions regarding the academic integrity of the thesis and the parent has shown up, and things are getting ugly... fast. This is one of those moments where cards are on the table - who backs faculty? Will the powers that be... be there? Where is the AAUP when needed?
Monday, May 09, 2005
**It wasn't just rained that dumped on me today**
Well, this was a day where I managed to have a headache even with sufficient caffeine intake. I was up early this morning looking at my backyard as it rained and thought, I really don't want to go to work today - it feels nice just to hang out on my futon and watch the rain, drinking a homemade latte, watching the pup sleeping after a long night... sleeping.
I should have listened to that little voice in my head and stayed home.
My day consisted of reading and responding to a rather painfully sad email from post-divorce-long-term-long-distance-relationship-guy who never could make the big commitment, so to speak, wishing me a happy mother's day and reminding me that he will always love me.... I responded, making reference to the need to move on and trying to find some kind of happiness in my current life.... (I don't want to go into all the details right now... still processing) My response led to a phone call from him where there was an apology for never being able to take that final step and that I needed to know it was because of him not me. I understood the kindness behind taking responsbility for TEN YEARS of this, but it didn't make it easier to handle the overwhelming sense of loss. I looked at his picture tonight and lost it. I miss him so much.
Well if that tidbit in my personal life wasn't enough to make my day completely suck, the critically important person who basically saves my ass on a daily basis at the radio station I advise, was deeply offended by the comments of a student and left me a voice mail saying he was not working the daily newscast the rest of the week (can't fire him because he does all this work for free). I have no coverage for the hour shift tomorrow and it is now 10:30 at night.
My head is throbbing and I have grading to do. Screw it.
I am going to bed and grading in the morning. I am in way too bad a mood to be allowed near a purple pen (I use purple because it is less intimidating than red. See what a sensitive teacher I am?).
I should have listened to that little voice in my head and stayed home.
My day consisted of reading and responding to a rather painfully sad email from post-divorce-long-term-long-distance-relationship-guy who never could make the big commitment, so to speak, wishing me a happy mother's day and reminding me that he will always love me.... I responded, making reference to the need to move on and trying to find some kind of happiness in my current life.... (I don't want to go into all the details right now... still processing) My response led to a phone call from him where there was an apology for never being able to take that final step and that I needed to know it was because of him not me. I understood the kindness behind taking responsbility for TEN YEARS of this, but it didn't make it easier to handle the overwhelming sense of loss. I looked at his picture tonight and lost it. I miss him so much.
Well if that tidbit in my personal life wasn't enough to make my day completely suck, the critically important person who basically saves my ass on a daily basis at the radio station I advise, was deeply offended by the comments of a student and left me a voice mail saying he was not working the daily newscast the rest of the week (can't fire him because he does all this work for free). I have no coverage for the hour shift tomorrow and it is now 10:30 at night.
My head is throbbing and I have grading to do. Screw it.
I am going to bed and grading in the morning. I am in way too bad a mood to be allowed near a purple pen (I use purple because it is less intimidating than red. See what a sensitive teacher I am?).
Friday, May 06, 2005
**Apocalypse of a Republican kind**
Recently, NBC has been airing a mini-series called Revelations. It is about the end of the world as told through the book of revelations.
Now in spite of the fact that I once led a pre-college youth group for a church, I have not read the entire Bible, nor have I studied any section of it in depth. My knowledge of biblical scripture comes from three areas:
I at some point memorized Psalm 27 (The Lord is my shepherd...),
I have watched and listened to, countless times, Jesus Christ Superstar, and
I love Bill Cosby's version of Noah's Ark.
Yep that's it.
But there was one line in this mini series that caught my attention as I tuned into it on and off, It was a comment that after the Rapture, Satan as manifested on earth would not appear as we typically expect - the concrete embodiment of evil - but as deceptively alluring and appealing... to those who have not accepted Christ as their personal savior. Since this is ultimately a political analysis, let me substitute the reference to those "saved" for those stupid ignorant masses.
Upon hearing that line in the mini series, I had one of the moments that I would equate with the kinds of moments those born-again types say they have when they "accept" Jesus in their lives.
Yes it was a moment of crystal clear clarity,
my own revelation,
my own born again moment...
THE APOCALYPSE ALREADY HAS HAPPENED! - the day Bush was appointed in 2000. Bush is Satan on earth. It explains everything. Why else would the ignorant masses continue to be entranced by his beady little close set eyes?
For anecdotal support, let's just take a stroll through today's NY Times headlines....
North Korea... run by a certified nut, is starting nuclear testing. We are monitoring it by satellite, while we continue to pummel Iraq looking for.... what? Nada. We already caught Hussein, another mass murder and nut case and arguably the only justifiable reason for being involved in the affairs of a sovereign nation.
The two largest US auto manufacturers bonds have been reduced to junk status. Try and find a mutual fund that doesn't have something in these companies (save the green funds) and watch our retirements continue to evaporate.
Darwin is on trial in Kansas. Again. Now it involves the effort to introduce ON EQUAL SCIENTIFIC FOOTING the delightfully "spun" concept of intelligent design and a new requirement that evolution be challenged as valid science. Kanasa could use a good tornado enema of wrath of god proportions. I think that what is behind this is that Kansas is working subtlely to supplant Ohio as the future designated dirty bomb testing site. My personal position is that now that one can get a Starbucks latte on the I-90 turnpike in OH, we should give it to Kansas, Nebraska is a prettier state to cross anyway. The cornfields just seem nicer in Nebraska.
Other items: Bush is empowering funding starved states to take control over the ability to roll back road restrictions in our precious pristine national forests. Gee I wonder what will happen when Weyhauser shows up with a check for logging rights.
And if there was any doubt about the dark days ahead....
The Red Sox won the world series and the Yankees are in last place this season. Does nothing make sense anymore?
Now in spite of the fact that I once led a pre-college youth group for a church, I have not read the entire Bible, nor have I studied any section of it in depth. My knowledge of biblical scripture comes from three areas:
I at some point memorized Psalm 27 (The Lord is my shepherd...),
I have watched and listened to, countless times, Jesus Christ Superstar, and
I love Bill Cosby's version of Noah's Ark.
Yep that's it.
But there was one line in this mini series that caught my attention as I tuned into it on and off, It was a comment that after the Rapture, Satan as manifested on earth would not appear as we typically expect - the concrete embodiment of evil - but as deceptively alluring and appealing... to those who have not accepted Christ as their personal savior. Since this is ultimately a political analysis, let me substitute the reference to those "saved" for those stupid ignorant masses.
Upon hearing that line in the mini series, I had one of the moments that I would equate with the kinds of moments those born-again types say they have when they "accept" Jesus in their lives.
Yes it was a moment of crystal clear clarity,
my own revelation,
my own born again moment...
THE APOCALYPSE ALREADY HAS HAPPENED! - the day Bush was appointed in 2000. Bush is Satan on earth. It explains everything. Why else would the ignorant masses continue to be entranced by his beady little close set eyes?
For anecdotal support, let's just take a stroll through today's NY Times headlines....
North Korea... run by a certified nut, is starting nuclear testing. We are monitoring it by satellite, while we continue to pummel Iraq looking for.... what? Nada. We already caught Hussein, another mass murder and nut case and arguably the only justifiable reason for being involved in the affairs of a sovereign nation.
The two largest US auto manufacturers bonds have been reduced to junk status. Try and find a mutual fund that doesn't have something in these companies (save the green funds) and watch our retirements continue to evaporate.
Darwin is on trial in Kansas. Again. Now it involves the effort to introduce ON EQUAL SCIENTIFIC FOOTING the delightfully "spun" concept of intelligent design and a new requirement that evolution be challenged as valid science. Kanasa could use a good tornado enema of wrath of god proportions. I think that what is behind this is that Kansas is working subtlely to supplant Ohio as the future designated dirty bomb testing site. My personal position is that now that one can get a Starbucks latte on the I-90 turnpike in OH, we should give it to Kansas, Nebraska is a prettier state to cross anyway. The cornfields just seem nicer in Nebraska.
Other items: Bush is empowering funding starved states to take control over the ability to roll back road restrictions in our precious pristine national forests. Gee I wonder what will happen when Weyhauser shows up with a check for logging rights.
And if there was any doubt about the dark days ahead....
The Red Sox won the world series and the Yankees are in last place this season. Does nothing make sense anymore?
Thursday, May 05, 2005
**The dark side of match.com: A skirt and high heels, please**
I mentioned earlier the guy that constituted my brief match.com "experience." We had arranged to meet for coffee tomorrow actually. But his emails just seemed a little off. Sometimes they seemed genuine, and then the next would be cryptic and hard to understand.
Well, It is interesting to see how, in spite of my profile where I was quite clear that I was a causal, informal, blue jeans kind of person, not likely, ever really, to be found in a dress or skirt and Dockers are dressing up for me, that a person can miss all that and reveal to me that he has a specific "need" to see woman dressed in skirts and high heels. Hey, I am pretty damn open-minded about all sorts of things. but one would think that I would not be the best candidate for that particular fantasy given my profile, eh?
We won't be meeting tomorrow for coffee, if that little missive didn't make it self-evident.
But all jesting aside, it symbolizes a pattern I have observed on these services (and it may be that everyone else knew this already), that many men looking for a relationship define their needs,initially, in terms like "soul mate," "partner," "person to share lives experiences with," etc., but that is not what they really want or at the very least, they think that one gets there with sex. I hate trying to get out there again. Why am I bothering? No one else seems interesting to me.
Well, It is interesting to see how, in spite of my profile where I was quite clear that I was a causal, informal, blue jeans kind of person, not likely, ever really, to be found in a dress or skirt and Dockers are dressing up for me, that a person can miss all that and reveal to me that he has a specific "need" to see woman dressed in skirts and high heels. Hey, I am pretty damn open-minded about all sorts of things. but one would think that I would not be the best candidate for that particular fantasy given my profile, eh?
We won't be meeting tomorrow for coffee, if that little missive didn't make it self-evident.
But all jesting aside, it symbolizes a pattern I have observed on these services (and it may be that everyone else knew this already), that many men looking for a relationship define their needs,initially, in terms like "soul mate," "partner," "person to share lives experiences with," etc., but that is not what they really want or at the very least, they think that one gets there with sex. I hate trying to get out there again. Why am I bothering? No one else seems interesting to me.
**LeAnn: I am doing this for you instead of grading:)**
It is probably best to begin by saying that I am a "faller." I fall for people. I can make a friend quickly and cherish that friendship in relatively short order. Likewise, I tend to fall for guys pretty quickly. I did this through much of my young adulthood. I thought and still think I have reasonably good instincts Well, maybe not with one guy I briefly dated. I just woke up one day (and no, not with him) and literally didn't like him anymore. Everything he did annoyed me intensely. To this day I can't understand that lapse in judgment. I cringe at the memory.
But generally the gut serves me well. My ex was a gut feeling and we did stay together for 10 years. I will never consider that a waste of time (except maybe the last three years where I was largely miserable). But the kids, man. I would do it 10 times over for my kids.
My second loooong relationship was a gut too as one generally does not hold out much hope for the first relationship after a divorce. Those transitional relationships are almost by definition disasterous in nature. But I had a gut feeling about that guy and we stuck it out for a long time. I don't regret any of it, with the possible exception that I have known for some time it would not be more than an intermittent long distance relationship and, even knowing that, I gave over what were likely some of my best years to it. Sometimes that is hard to take.
I still love him. More than anyone I have ever known.
I also would still be with him if he we had not been separated by thousands of miles.
But I don't want to be alone forever, so I am hoping that even knowing I will always love him, it does not close the door to caring for someone else. I had always operated on the assumption that if I loved him, I could not love someone else and if I loved someone else, I would have to first fall out of love with him (which simply won't happen).
I know from having two children that one's capacity for love is not a zero sum equation. I remember being afraid after having my daughter and loving her so completely and intensely, that I would not ever love my son that much. Nothing could be further from the truth. My capacity to love just expanded and is infinite when it comes to my children.
So I am wondering if such could be the same in relationships. Could I love more than one person? Is the real question I face here one of choosing who, if anyone, to build a relationship and life with.
Sunday morning... Mother's Day. Maybe for Mother's Day I will send my Mother the URL for this blog. Not. An innocuous card will have to do. She hasn't talked to me in two months. I for one, will spend Mother's day on a dairy farm helping a friend milk cows while HER mother is vacationing at Disneyland. Milking cows - has a maternal quality, don't you think?
But generally the gut serves me well. My ex was a gut feeling and we did stay together for 10 years. I will never consider that a waste of time (except maybe the last three years where I was largely miserable). But the kids, man. I would do it 10 times over for my kids.
My second loooong relationship was a gut too as one generally does not hold out much hope for the first relationship after a divorce. Those transitional relationships are almost by definition disasterous in nature. But I had a gut feeling about that guy and we stuck it out for a long time. I don't regret any of it, with the possible exception that I have known for some time it would not be more than an intermittent long distance relationship and, even knowing that, I gave over what were likely some of my best years to it. Sometimes that is hard to take.
I still love him. More than anyone I have ever known.
I also would still be with him if he we had not been separated by thousands of miles.
But I don't want to be alone forever, so I am hoping that even knowing I will always love him, it does not close the door to caring for someone else. I had always operated on the assumption that if I loved him, I could not love someone else and if I loved someone else, I would have to first fall out of love with him (which simply won't happen).
I know from having two children that one's capacity for love is not a zero sum equation. I remember being afraid after having my daughter and loving her so completely and intensely, that I would not ever love my son that much. Nothing could be further from the truth. My capacity to love just expanded and is infinite when it comes to my children.
So I am wondering if such could be the same in relationships. Could I love more than one person? Is the real question I face here one of choosing who, if anyone, to build a relationship and life with.
Sunday morning... Mother's Day. Maybe for Mother's Day I will send my Mother the URL for this blog. Not. An innocuous card will have to do. She hasn't talked to me in two months. I for one, will spend Mother's day on a dairy farm helping a friend milk cows while HER mother is vacationing at Disneyland. Milking cows - has a maternal quality, don't you think?
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