**The sitemeter**

I woke up this morning and while I was checking email I thought that maybe it wasn't such a good idea that I said "fuck" in my blog last night. Maybe I should change it. Then as I was purusing the sitemeter info, I notices that someone from Bulgaria was on my site. I look at the referring URL. It was a search engine. The search words? "He fucked me." Now that made me laugh. What could this dude (or dudette) possibly be looking for?

**One thing I miss about a partner**

Today was a hard day. About 10 minutes before I taught my last class for the week the court's decision showed up in my email box.

As expected it was a mixed bag of results. They imputed income to my ex, but probably only half of what he could have been making if he, like me, had made supporting his kids a priority and held a steady job. Most public school teachers make more than academics anyway.

But the tragedy in the court's analysis was that the conservative imputation of income made our incomes more disparate and thus opened up the settlement agreement for modification. This was what I feared would happen, because common law and statutory law were not in my favor (Thank you Chalot and the fucking "father's rights-to-screw-their kids' movement). The court, thankfully held up the part of the agreement requiring we pay for up to five years of undergraduate education. And the court kept an expansive view of what was a "college expense." But the court changed the ratio from the 50:50 we had agreed on (even though our incomes were never even-when we signed it the ex made more than me), to 63:37. So I now am responsible for two thirds of medical, dental and education costs retroactive back to Nov. 2004 (when my daughter turned 19 and the first legal filing occured).

So in effect, because I worked steadily and tried to increase my income, and he fucked around and refused to work consistently, I get to pay more of college now. If I had, instead, squandered my savings on a year's vacation or took my kids' college fund and paid off MY mortgage, or never took an academic position and stayed in Colorado and maybe married the man that my niece believes was "just not that into me," my ex could be paying the majority of the educational costs.

I get no legals fees and was actually assess $900.00 of legal fees for the ex, because his attorney didn't get our discovery on time (because my attorney's office didn't send it until right before trial even though I sent it 4 months earlier). Yes I will be asking my attorney to cover that part of the ruling.

For all I know the debacle could continue. His attorney keeps hinting at appealing. There was nothing in the judges ruling addresses how to compel the ex to pay. There are many loose ends.

Welcome to the American Court of "Equity."

So to the point of all this. This is when I miss having a partner who would give me a hug, let me cry a bit, and tell me everything will be alright. I could use that. There has never really been anyone who I could talk to who will just listen. Everyone is too busy to just listen. Never had it in my marriage. Never had it in the 12 years since. I have spent my whole life having to be strong. By myself. And I am exhausted.

**Correcting the Record**

My son, in response to my re-telling of the story in the previous post:

" I didn't have the knife - E. did. I had the machete."

**It was my brother who had the knife!**

This was my daughter's response to a comment I made in our conversation this evening. She mentioned at one point how cool her brother is. That characterization came about as part of a larger conversation on how her father has done nothing to help either of them attain their educational goals. But when all is said and done they will be just fine and then, I hope they remember the people who were there for them:

Aunts, uncles and a grandmother and cousin who do things like:

• pick them up at the airport
• house and feed them over breaks
• offer cars for transportation
• help them find meaningful summer work when it looks like flipping burgers may be the only option
• visit them in foreign countries for holidays so they are not alone
• open their home as a base for summer employment

I love my family.

But to get back to the statement that heads up this entry, I reminded my daughter that she can be there for her brother over the next few years helping him in some of these ways as he winds up college. It was at this point that she then commented that her brother was cool.

I took this opportunity to remind her that they didn't always get along so well. I would sometime get calls after school with "he did this or she did that." My response was, if there was no arterial bleeding then don't bother me at work. So I told my daughter in this evening's conversation that I remember getting a frantic call at the office one late afternoon with the words, "E. has a knife and she is going to kill me." My daughter emphatically and quickly corrected the record, "It was my brother who had the knife!"

My thought:

Did it really matter?

**Some new favorite phrases**

Went to a luau last night. As part of the cultural education I learned a new phrase. Chill-ax. It is going up on my office door tomorrow morning.

I also watch Cold Mountain again. It was more powerful than I remembered it. One of the final lines stuck with me as Ada summed up her life of waiting for Inman, him coming home and then her carrying on without him.

"Clouds, clouds... and then sun. "

That is how my life has felt these past 15 years. Lot's of clouds. But in recent years... Sun.